kanjiSave the Chinese Babies

by Newamba Flamingo

It was my fourth marriage. I’m sure it’s tough being married to a cop, yano? Didn’t even think I’d marry this one. Met her on the fucking internet 

She ain’t really my type, neither. Kinda tall, skinny, short hair, used to be an army broad, but she’s gotta tight little ass you could bounce quarters off and she fucks like a $500 an hour call girl. 

So anyways, we’re partying in Vegas, we’re drunk, and we wind up eloping, getting hitched by an Elvis impersonator. Not the first time something like that happened to me, either, yano. 

Then a week later I take a bullet in the leg, some asshole sticking up a pharmacy for oxy. 

So I’m laid up and my new wife wakes me up one morning and tells me she found Jesus. 

“Where was he?” I ask her, thinking it’s joke or something. Never really been a believer myself, ‘specially after 9/11. 

But she’s for real. Starts going to church every weekend, watching “The 700 Club,” all that shit. 

Then she sees something on “The 700 Club” about orphanages in China and these abandoned girl babies, ‘cause of this “one child policy” or whatever the bullshit. 

So she starts saying how she wants to go there and save the babies. 

All the time, she’s in tears about the Chinese babies and how she’s praying, talking to Jesus and how Jesus wants her to go to China to save the fucking babies. 

And she’s looking into it and finds a job teaching English at this high school in China, way out in the sticks, near this big orphanage, and she’s all begging like a junkie to go. 

At first I’m like fuggetaboutit, what’s a Brooklyn cop gonna do in the fucking sticks in fucking China. People in triangle hats, doing Kung fu, all riding around in rickshaws and shit. 

But then I figure I always did like Chinese food and no one out there’s gonna shoot at me, probably, so what the fuck. Let’s go for a year or two. It’ll be like a vacation. 

So my leg heals up and we go out there. My wife finds these other Jesus freaks, and I’m liking it too. So quiet—no car horns or sirens all night. No assholes shooting at me, neither. 

And I’m eating Chinese food every day. But the Chinese food there was kinda different, too many fucking bones, no General Tso’s chicken, no buffets, not even a fucking fortune cookie, but it was still decent, and a lot cheaper than in the States. Only $1, maybe $3 for king-sized meal, yano. 

Found I liked teaching too. The kids there are so respectful. Not at all like these little fuckwad, gangster wanna-be American kids, all talking back to you, giving you the shits. 

And I’m even taking up Tai Chi. Doing that shit every morning with this little old toothless Chinese granny who doesn’t speak a word of English, but is always smiling at me. 

And I’m listening to Pantera on my iPod, doing Tai Chi like a bastard, looking out at these tooth-shaped green mountains.Every morning. I’m fucking love it, yano. 

Things are going okay until my wife brings home one of the babies from the orphanage. And this baby was a fucking train wreck. Had some kinda thing where like her whole upper lip was all twisted up. “Cleft lip” or some shit like that. 

And the fucking thing cried all the day and all night. Kept waking me up. Had me taking two hour walks at 3 AM down to the village near the school just to get my head right.  

That fucking baby hated me, too, I think. Her beady little slanted eyes staring at me like I’m the devil. 

I mean, I’m closing in on 50, for Chrissakes. I’m a grandfather. The fuck I need some mangled face Chinese baby?

But my wife loves the fucking thing, and she’s still riding me every night like a $500 an hour call girl and I likes my job there and my Tai Chi so I don’t complain too much, yano. 

Things were going alright until my wife decides to actually adopt the fucking baby. Now I didn’t wanna do that, but how am I gonna tell her no? She thinks the baby’s hers and is calling it her daughter and carrying it around in a sack over her stomach, looking like a kangaroo and all. 

So we fill out the paperwork and bullshit and we get this other teacher there, this tall skinny whitebread chickenshit motherfucker who I never liked for some reason, who also volunteers at the orphanage and who’s been there forever and speaks Chinese and we ask him to help us and  translate the paperwork and with the interview with the adoption assholes. 

Turns out this guy doesn’t speak Chinese as well as we think and he gets something wrong in the translation and because of him rubbing the adoption assholes the wrong way, the application gets rejected and the adoption people literally fucking snatch the baby away from my wife’s arms. 

And my wife, she goes ballistic. Starts sobbing and comes back home and trashes the apartment like she’s some fucking rock star or something, Guns N’ Roses, this broad. 

Then she grabs this kitchen knife and storms over to the office and tries to stab the tall skinny douchebag shit ass translator. 

And the Chinese office workers are holding her back, yelling in broken English, and they wrestle her down, and the police show up, screaming in Chinese, and they fucking deport her, kicking and screaming about her baby, all the way to the airport, but the school offers that I can stay, like I’m gonna just leave my wife, though the thought did cross my mind. 

So now we’re back in America and my wife’s like a zombie, sitting around watching trashy talk shows, like a fucking vegetable, and she’s calling psychic hotlines, and she threw away all her Bibles and religious stuff and she won’t go to church and every time she’s sees an Asian looking person she bursts into tears.  

And I’m back to being a cop and I’m thinking about divorce. Bringig’ wife number four to China probably wasn’t a good idea. Four is an unlucky number there, yano. 


Newamba Flamingo lives in the Far East. He likes John Cheever, weird documentaries on the Internet, and telepathy.
%d bloggers like this: