by Nicholas Lamb
Charges of manslaughter have been filed against a Southern mime after a man trapped in an invisible box died of claustrophobia. Upon arrest the mime said nothing. Civil rights leaders glorify the mime’s use of her 5th Amendment rights as patriotic while the head of the CIA condemned it by stating, “A real patriot has nothing to hide.” Despite lacking a tangible murder weapon, District Attorney Red McCarthy decided to move forward with a trial. Friends of Mimes, a local charitable organization that provides mimes with gloves and cashews, call foul. “There are innumerable cases, five to be exact, of mimes being arrested for attempted B & E’s when climbing invisible ladders. It’s clear that elected officials are pinning phony charges on mimes to exaggerate crime statistics.”
During the mime-in-question’s trial, the accused was denied face paint, emphasizing her attractive features. Social media exploded in response, expressing shock that the accused was a woman. Chauvinist leaders promptly chimed in, “When did it become okay for a woman to use her body as a form of nonsexual self-expression? This is just more feminist brainwashing.” Locating the mime in her holding cell proved laborsome for authorities because her outfit acted as cage camouflage. Because of this, police evasion was added to the mime’s rap sheet.
Protestors from all over the world flocked to the streets, holding picket signs ranging from hand signals to sad faces. Following noise complaints, police arrived with tear gas to deal with the issue. Many cried. Interestingly, news personnel on the scene reported, “Only the sound of crickets in the soft rain could be heard prior to police encroachment.” Contradictory reports have made it difficult to clarify the truth surrounding the incident. “They weren’t making noise. They’re mimes, you idiot,” the owner of an art shop decried. A local investment banker tells a different story, “Now I’m not racist, but these mimes were throwing invisible rocks at police. If that’s not cause enough to shoot them, I don’t know what is.”
News coverage of the events divided the country while revealing the existence of the accused’s online fitness series. Popularity of the mime’s exercise channel, which blends Tai chi with interpretive dance, increased dramatically. Progressive clothing brands took advantage of her increased viewership and began advertising on her channel, causing such an influx in her series’ revenue that it quickly made her the most profitable mime of the 21st century.
Examination of the facts behind the mime’s arrest eventually brought to light that she was denied a lawyer after presenting a written request for legal representation on her suspenders. Consequently, the presiding judge was forced to declare a mistrial. The mime’s release from custody was met with enthusiastic applause and flying rose-laced berets. Unfortunately, several fans neglected to remove the thorns from the interwoven rose stems, resulting in deep lacerations across the mime’s body. Tetanus quickly took hold, stiffening her body and robbing her of life. Nevertheless, her rise as a symbol of struggle against societal expectations of gender, color, and lifestyle choices continues to provide inspiration to many. In honor of her memory, we ask that you reflect on her dedication to equal treatment under the law with a moment of silence………………
BREAKING NEWS: Our ADHD demographic quickly switched channels to our competitor’s rape, murder, and patriotism special during our silence. We have thus decided to cancel our scheduled programming and reair our recent tell-all with the Loch Ness Monster as she reports on how Climate Change is a hoax and how Leprechauns are actually the ones responsible for the economic and housing crisis of 2008.