All About Me

By Christopher Woods

Like my tux? When I first saw this sack of shit, I figured it came from a funeral home. Slit up the back, you know? That’s how they slip ‘em around the stiffs. Kinda spooky.

But this dandruff gives me the creeps. I start thinking about the guy that wore this before. Dandruff Dan. I can even smell him. I take Dan with me wherever I go. Places he’s never been.

Like last Saturday? Joey told me it’d be easy. It is for him ‘cause he’s been doing it so goddamn long. Joey must be pushing thirty. In good shape, though. Yeah, he’s a ballroom darling. The old bitches love him. I have to admit, he’s smooth.

Joey says I got star power. What do you think? I hope to god he’s right. I’m coming up short right now. I was slopping burritos at Taco Heaven, until I got fired. That’s where Joey found me. He invited me to his place for drinks. Like I said, he’s cool. Had me drunk in no time. Next thing you know, I let him take me in his mouth.

You won’t believe how much I practice. If I don’t, I’ll dance like a fucking clown. It’s Sadie Hawkins’ night at the Blue Fox Room, and Joey needs more escorts. That’s where I come in.

See, they play this dinosaur music. Sinatra. Where do they find this shit? We’re talking cemetery Musak. Make me barf.

Last Saturday was my first time. The ballroom used to be called something else, but it got closed down on account of something that happened in the men’s room. But it’s the same old customers, and the same bad boy Joey.

Anyway, last Saturday me and Dandruff Dan went home with Gloria. She’s cool, about eighty-six. Joey told me she always makes a play for the new guys. Guess it was my turn. Gloria lives in a fucking mansion.

My stomach’s jumping. I’m thinking, oh boy, what am I gonna have to do? You know? But the old gal is bombed on pink champagne.

She’s dancing around holding these pink balloons. And her butler keeps bringing the champagne. All of a sudden, we’re in Gloria’s bedroom, and she’s saying, “Troy, Troy, please massage my feet.”  Troy’s the name Joey gave me.

What am I gonna do? I massage her wrinkled old feet. Toenails like fucking knives. But I’m thinking, this is better than having to pump her, you know.

Then she passed out, still holding those pink balloons. I went downstairs and drank some more, and watched porn with the butler.

Sunday morning, I woke up Gloria and did some suck-face stuff. And get this, she gives me five hundred bucks.

Tonight, Joey wants me to come on strong with some new woman, June. Her husband dropped dead a couple months ago, but Joey says she’s ready for some fun.

See you there.


Christopher Woods is a writer and photographer who lives in Houston and in Chappell Hill, Texas.
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